She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.