Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
