please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
