i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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