See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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