Cold hands, warm shart.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
