what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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