I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
its liver damage thursday
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
