got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
