Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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