Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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