I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
