Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
a search helicopter?!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
