Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
