i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Bring me that man meat
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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