I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
