I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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