Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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