don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
