Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
As shirtless as possible
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
