If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
