im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize