You're a womanizer and a bitch.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
