Michael Bay diarrhea
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
