Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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