Your face is a jimmy john
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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