So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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