I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
