He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
