were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
