last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
