grandma shit on top of the toilet
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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