This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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