i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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