apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
