There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
