If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
BRING THE BAGELS
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
