Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
