Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
