literally had 100 drinks last night.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
