weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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