i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
