how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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