I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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