And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
