1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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