well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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