i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
