My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
