I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
