I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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