this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize