your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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