So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
