I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
