Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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