Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
